Assisted Suicide

To be honest, I’m not sure I know where to put this.  But I feel strongly about it, and I looked online for a group to join or something to do – and there is so little.

I have had numerous pets die in my lifetime.  It’s only been in the past 3-4 years that it’s been me who has had to make the call for when they are in such pain, with little to no hope of recovery, that it is their time to go.  For my kitten, Indiana, it was one of the hardest calls to make.  But she could no longer walk, had cancer in one leg and in the opposite leg her paw had swelled and hardened along with the opposite front leg.  They did not know why.  So even if they removed her leg to get rid of the cancer, she couldn’t have recovered.  She had lost a lot of weight and wasn’t moving on her own anymore…

So, it was time.  The night before we let her sleep in our room, which she hadn’t been allowed to do in years.   With the last of her strength she was a kitten again, slowly limping all around room to explore the place she’d never been.  The next morning my husband and I took her into the Vet.  I hugged her all night and couldn’t stop crying.  I cried all the way to the Vet.  Then, in the Vets office we held her, told her what a great cat she was and how much we loved her.  I held her as the life left her body peacefully.

Recently we had to do the same for another loved pet, Loki.  We were sad that we were not able to hold him as he left this world, but we were able to be with him, tell him how much we loved him, what a great ferret he was and he died in his favorite sweatshirt of Alan’s.

A few years ago my Grandmother died.  I got to see her a week before her death.  She was begging to die.  With every bite of food she said “I wish this was poison”, with every drink “I wish this would kill me”.  She died on New Years Eve… alone.  My Uncle had a huge fight with her, he never got to make amends.  There was more I wish I’d said.  I wish I’d been able to be with her, holding her hand as she passed…

I am again and again struck by the unfairness of our laws.  Why can we treat our pets with more love and thoughtfulness than our elders?  If I knew I was going to die, if I was in pain, I’d want to set my affairs in order, say goodbye to everyone I know and love and be surrounded by them – holding their hands, their loving faces the last things I see as I leave this earth.  But we can’t.  We are not allowed.  Instead our elderly go through all of their savings trying to repair themselves as best they can – whether they want to or not.   They are put in cold hospitals, to lie in a bed that isn’t theirs, surrounded by people who do not truly know them, waiting for death.

It is cruel that our pets get a better death than our family members.

Sorry, Harry… so sorry

Every previous Harry Potter movie has had a tradition with me, and with my family.

Step 1) Take the day off work.

Step 2) Go out to the East Bay and catch an 11 am showing with my Mom, Dad and significant other.

This time – nada.  But why?

Well, I’m not sure.  I’m unemployed, so you would think it would have been a lot easier this time around.  But I think my unemployed nature has made it so I have so many other worries that I’m just not quite as focused on this movie.  I have been worrying about getting a job, a wedding, bills…etc.

Which brings me to a thought I’ve had for some time.

Is it only when the necessities of life are filled that people can find time to dedicate their thoughts to things like politics, entertainment, ambition, power…etc?

I have always thought this.  If you are so poor that your concerns are when you will eat again and how you will keep warm through the night, I doubt you are focused on what’s in the theaters this week.

What do you think?  Do you think it is passion for subjects that keeps us focused or that if the rest of our life’s necessities are met THEN we can focus on other things?

And who, might I ask, are you?

My best friend and I had a great discussion today.  I know she’ll be laughing when she reads this because it only happened an hour ago.

Anyway – our argument was about people, or characters, and “acting out of character”.  The discussion started when I menioned characters should always act in character.  Her point was that there is so much that we don’t know about ourselves, much less others, that how can we say in an extreme situation what would be “in character”?

Her point is definitely a good one.  How do we know what we would act like or be like in an extreme situation?  Example, prison.  Or in a plane taken over by terrorists?  Burning building?   Would you do what you could to save yourself, or become a hero?  We’d all like to think we’d do the “right” thing.  But we don’t really know.

My point was that for the most part people do seem to stay “within” character.  My best friend is stubborn, dedicated and has a will of iron.  She is that way with books, writing, crazy diets, thriatholons…etc.  That’s who she is.  I have no doubt if she went  prison she would own the place and i’d be her bitch.  Because that’s who she is.  Now, is it possible that she’d go to prison and deterioate into a whimpering, frightened kitten?  Well, maybe.  But highly doubtful.  She’d most likely still be who she is at her core.

Me?  Well, I’ve been in a few situations that I would consider “extreme” in terms of what I’ve been through in my life.  Now, me regular?  I’m bossy or in a kinder tone, I take charge.  It’s what I do best, it’s what I love to do.  Gather information and make a decision.  It’s also what I do for a living.

Now we had a fairly impressive earthquake in 1989.  Loma Prieta.  I remember I was going to do some sort of special sleeping in the extra room adventure with my little brother who was about 4 at the time.  Earthquake hits.  What do I do?  I run for the doorway, then start screaming at Jason to join me.  He sits in bed with his eyes wide and doesn’t move a muscle.  Another example.  The chicken my Mom was cooking catches on fire.  She starts screaming and running back and forth in front of the flames as if every time she reached the end of the kitchen she realized she needed to go the other way.  Meanwhile I calmly assess that nothing is  going to catch fire, and I go out into the hallway and let my Dad know.  I wasn’t sure if it was a grease fire or not, so I didn’t know if water would help or if I should use baking soda.  My brother, older at the time, calmly got the fire extinguisher out of the garage.

That’s me.  Calm.  Take charge.  It’s just a part of who I am.  Are there times that I get really flustered and upset?  LOL, I’d say yes.  Usually when someone won’t follow the instructions I’m giving them.  But, I’m still being my bossy self.

Ok, so people, here is the question:

In most situations do people tend to stay within their personalities OR do people vary “out of character” often enough that you can never really say what someone will do?

Better than Mac ‘n Cheese

I will admit to anyone anywhere that I have food issues.  I LOVE food.  But worse than that, it’s my default if I’m feeling happy, sad, angry, lonely, bored, celebratory, stressed…etc.  I run to the fridge pretty much whenever I have an emotion because I just know a slice of cheese will help somehow.  But it doesn’t.  It just adds another layer.  I start feeling guilty for my bad eating habits on top of everything else.

I’m getting married soon.  And the thing I just thought this morning is that being in his arms is better than Mac ‘n Cheese.  My fiancee is my ultimate comfort.  Better than food.

In my world – Love doesn’t get much better than that.

What is  your comfort?  Who (or what) do you run to when you need an anchor to hold onto to weather the storm of life?

Drama Queens are exhausting

I think we all know a few Drama Queens.  Oh yeah, that’s right – capital D capital Q.  To me, it’s the worst of insults.  You can be selfish without being hurtful and you can be high maintenance without being a bad person.  But a Drama Queen?  It’s all about them.  All the time.

I have a major Drama Queen in my life.  I love him, don’t get me wrong.  But I get VERY sick of the Drama.  I can only handle him for short periods of time and he REALLY doesn’t appreciate my lack of proper audience attention.  Instead, through the years, I’ve learned it’s best to ignore the Drama Queen.  Push it aside, change the subject, don’t give them a rapt audience or any sympathy because then you’ll be trapped by their drama for the next few hours.

Why do Drama Queens need all this attention?

What is it that makes a Drama Queen enjoy wallowing around in self pity?

What do the Drama Queen’s get out of being a Drama Queen?

Why and how does anyone stand a Drama Queen in their life all the time?

Any theories you can offer, I’d love to hear.

Kid at heart

First – I don’t think some kids ever grow up.  I’m definitely one of those people.  Last night I was watching Twilight and giggling my head off when Edward came into focus.  Shouting at the TV when Edward stops the group of guys from doing unspeakable things to Bella and Dancing during the baseball scene to my new favorite song of all time.  Yes, it is my ringtone.

I think another good example is that I started having a crush on Dean Cain when he was Superman/Clark Kent on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.  It came out when I was just 14.  I honestly don’t think I’ve ever lost my crush.  I have a Wishlist on Tivo for anything with Dean Cain in it when I’m feeling nostalgic.  I, just a few days ago, found a Dean Cain poster that I had purchased during my young crush days.  It brought be back because I took that poster with me to college and beyond.  When you think about it – at this point that poster has been with me for half my life.  And, well, I just hung it up in my closet with a girlish giggle, wondering if my fiancee will ever spy it hiding behind my clothes.  🙂

Point being?  I think some of us never really grow up.  I truly think that it is a GREAT thing.  I know I learned it from my Grandfather, who still watches Sunday morning cartoons.  I learned it from my Dad who always jokes and kids around, plays video games and is always trying to learn something new.  And my Mom who is the biggest World of Warcraft player I know.

It is one thing I think I bring to my relationship.  My fiancee’s nickname among his friends is “the old man”.  He is all about politics, financial responsibility, news and loves to go to bed early.  But after over 4 years with me there are times we wrestle, laughing uncontrollably, he loves to tickle my feet until one of them kicks him, we play board games, watch cartoons and argue over whether legos really are the best toys ever.

Are you still a kid at heart?  Is it a good thing, or a bad thing?  How does your inner child come to the surface?

Scars

On my lower abdomen I have a small scar.  When I was a baby I was born with hernia.  I had surgery when I was just 6 months old to correct the issue.  As a result, to this day I have a scar that I have absolutely no memory of getting.  But it’s there nonetheless.

It got me thinking about scars we’ve received, both seen and unseen, that we don’t recall but stay with us nonetheless.

Example.  I don’t really fully remember this, but when I was young someone told me that there was a witch in the toilet that when you flushed she came and took what was in there.  Ok, now, I’m sure it was someone not fully wanting to explain what REALLY happens when you flush the toilet, but nonetheless I believed this person.  As a result I flushed with my arm fully outstretched and ready to run from the bathroom, less she attack me, for at least a year.

Now, obviously, I’m older and wiser and I know there is no witch in the toilet.  But some time ago I went on a cruise and man, when you flush that toilet it is LOUD and dare I say… windy.  I gotta say, I was in my 20’s but when that happened I ran out of that bathroom so fast with my heart pounding, you would have thought I’d been chased by wolves.

Which all just leads me to think about all the things said to me while growing up that I still remember and how it does, in some ways, change my behavior now.  I can’t imagine what I’m forgetting that still leaves it’s marks in me today.

What’s with all the love?

So, tonight I’ll be watching a bunch of old Buffy Episodes with a good friend of mine.  Believe it or not I also Tivo’d two movies yesterday (not realizing I’d be watching Buffy at the time) – Underworld: Evolution and Van Heilsing.  Which means today is all about Vampires.

This isn’t a bad thing for me.  They may be blood sucking “evil” creatures but I’m a huge Vampire fan.  I love movies, books, theories.  Maybe I need to start a new question.  Instead of Pirates vs. Ninjas it should be Pirates vs. Ninjas vs. Vampires.  Hellz yeah.

But it brings me to my thoughts this morning.  What is up with how much our society loves the idea of Vampires?  A friend once told me that a good friend of hers was writing her thesis on where the idea of Vampires came from.  Per this thesis sometime back in history a group of people got very much into biting each other.  So much that there were even some deaths due to all this biting.  Thus was born the “urban legend” of Vampires.  Supposedly from there on out people with imaginations took on the rest.  Again, all per this thesis.  I don’t know if it’s valid or not, I personally have not done the research.

Back again to my main question – Why do we love Vampires so much?  Most of the people I know, if they had a choice, would not want to become a Vampire.  My fiancee and I are freaks – we’d both choose the life if it were available to us.

I am also part of the Twilight phenomenon, not to mention have always been fascinated by and loved vampires.  I think some of my first recollections would be The Lost Boys, Once Bitten then onto Kindred: The Embraced and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dracula, Interview with a Vampire, Queen of the Damned, Blade… I could go on for a long time.

So – what makes Vampires so attractive to us?  I have some theories and ideas I want to through out there:

1. Money.  Rarely do you see a Vampire with money issues.  Usually they are rich from centuries of… something.  And they rarely have jobs.  They are just rich and living life, or death as the case may be.
2. Immortal.  Definitely a reoccurring trait with Vampires.  Now, I think that if #1 wasn’t true, I might have more of an issue with immortality.  Imagine working forever without ever feeling like you are getting ahead.  Egad.  Hell on earth.  BUT – to be rich and immortal.  To see the world change around you, I think that would be amazing.
3. Strong, fast and practically indestructible.   I love the idea of Vampire heroes.  Imagine if you could have a night-time police force of good Vampires.  They could really change crime in a city for the good of all the regular people.  I would be bent on saving people, if I could.  No more rape, murders, muggings on my watch.  Not to mention being able to zoom around the city and not have to worry about a car or traffic.  NICE.
4. Never tired.  When was the last time you saw a tired Vampire jonesing for a coffee hit?  Man, would it be nice to wake up and always feel fully awake until you go to bed again?
5. Attractive to everyone.  Need I say more?  Vamps are ALWAYS gorgeous.  Who wouldn’t want to join that league?
6. Never an outcast, just a loner.  It’s rare you see a dorky/geeky Vampire.  If they are on their own, it’s usually by choice.  Not because they need to be.
7. No food.  I admit the life of a liquid diet appeals to me. Now, I don’t want to kill things.  I am not a killer.  It’s just that I have crazy food issues and it would be attractive to be able to quit food cold turkey and not ever have to track my “points” again.

What do you think?  Any other reasons that Vampires intrigue and fascinate us?

Waves and Corners

I have a tendency to believe that life comes at us in waves.  Waves of good, waves of bad.  Sometimes they bunch up, sometimes they don’t.  So whenever anything bad happens to me I chose to look at it as “Wow, I wonder what super great thing is coming around the corner?”

Well, the economy sucks and animals get sick and friends have issues you can’t help but empathize with (so you get sad too) – but there’s good out there too.  I mean, good books, good movies, great friendships and being in an amazing relationship.  I know I’m luckier than most, I won’t dispute that.  I was very lucky in my situation when I got laid off.  I didn’t have any kids, I didn’t have a mortgage and I was with this amazing man who could luckily support both of us (with some fabulous help from our government).  I know this is not the situation with all of the people hit hard by the economy.

All the same – bad stuff has happened in my life.  Beyond my amazing relationship (which I’ve had for 4 + years now) and new awesome apartment I would say most of my waves have been bad.  Every time one hits I try to think “Something great MUST be around the corner.”  But the damn block keeps stretching out really far and then suddenly this great new possible thing will come up and in the back of my mind I’ll think “What if this is that great thing that was around the corner?!  What if THIS is it?!”

Then, bam.  It’s not.  And the block stretches out in front of me again with the corner oh so far away.

Well, another corner is approaching and I am praying, hoping, wishing with ever fiber of my being that this is the great thing.  And you know what?  If it happens it will ALL have been worth it.  Seriously.  Over 4 months of unemployment and all the other crap that has happened since – if this is the corner I will be on cloud fuckin’ 9.  Excuse the language, but it is  necessary.

And if it’s not… well, that would be one hell of a bad wave.

One thing I must say, which I know is a theme of almost all my posts, I am not sure I could or would survive life without my family, friends and love.  They are what keeps me recovering from the hard times.  And I am AMAZINGLY lucky to have them in my life.  I know that if this thing doesn’t work out, they are going to be calling me, giving me huge hugs and sending me pizza and doughnuts with every opportunity.  Because that’s who they are.  They are there for me just as I am there for them.

So, do you think life comes at you in waves?  Do you think much about that next corner when life could get better?  What helps you recover?

Life cannons rocks at us

I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately.  How it can seem easy or be ridiculously hard.   Lately it’s hard for a lot of us.  Without employment we are scared about money and getting a job.  For those with a job they are working twice as hard while making less and being paranoid about layoffs and cutbacks.  No one’s life is easy right now – not even Bill Gates.

I sometimes feel that we are on a field, similar to dodgeball while life cannons rocks at us.  We live, or at least I do, with a fear in the back of my mind as to when the next rock will land and what it will be.  Death of a loved one?  Alan losing his job as well?  The economy getting worse?  I mean, what’s waiting for me around the corner?  What’s waiting for those I love?

I know all of us seem to be taking more rocks to the solar plexus lately than we used to be.  It’s like the field shrunk and the rocks got bigger.

For everyone out there, for myself included, we must think to the future.  To the promises of good times – of those rocks being small and bouncing off.  To seeing our children grow, to Christmases and Thanksgivings of laughter and love.  To the economy being great and the idea of peace in the World that I still cling to with my whole soul.

I know things are rough right now – rougher than rough.  But I think that as long as we keep helping each other up after those rocks slam into us – we’ll get through.  Because no matter what, we still have each other.

P.S.  There is a family I adore who feels like a second family to me.  They all got hit by a huge, giant, boulder recently.  They are on my thoughts and in my prayers daily and to them I want to say I’m here to help them up best I can and hug them until the pain dulls to an ache.  I love you all.